I really want another

So my best friend posted on Facebook that the best thing she did was have her kids 18 months apart because her kids love each other so much. Well, I'm really happy for she and her kids, but it kind of made me sad for myself and my daughter. I really, REALLY want another child because I would like a sibling for my 3 year old and that gap is getting bigger and bigger.

My daughter loves babies and I truly believe she would be happy with a  younger sibling. So what's the problem? Well, I don't have any issues conceiving (at least not that I know of). Money? Maybe not immediately. The issue is that my marriage isn't in the best shape. Things are really rough and I cannot see bringing a new child into such a mess of a marriage. I don't feel that he is as "fatherly" as he could be. Yes, they play for a bit each day, but he doesn't have that almost nurturing father mentality that I have seen in other fathers. He yells at her a lot and she has a love/hate relationship with him. I suppose I don't help that love/hate relationship and that some of it may have stemmed from my behavior towards him.

He and I are seemingly always arguing. Our daughter almost always takes to my side and starts yelling at him and sometimes hitting him. No matter how I try to correct her, it hasn't really made a turn to get better. She still loves him, as she says she does. She still wants to make crafts and things for him, but she doesn't listen to him. I have to reiterate any consequences that he tries to give her.

So what does this have to do with having another? Well, its clear that this wouldn't be a healthy environment to bring a baby into, no matter how hard I secretly wish I was like one of those women from Discovery channel's show 'I didn't know I was pregnant', or how disappointed I feel every month when I get that special woman gift. Yes, I still get disappointed even if we haven't had physical contact in a while. Its even harder when so many people ask "So when are you going to have another one?", or they make comments about how "she needs a sibling". I just simply reply that we plan and God (the universe) plans, but inside I'm like "I KNOW!!! I want another NOW!!". So I must learn to cope with this internal struggle as I feel guilty that my daughter may miss out on something, maybe I too may miss out on something. Alas I must count my little one as a great blessing and just be grateful, suck it up, and stay strong. Perhaps by not having another I'm really doing what's best for my daughter and myself because who knows where this marriage will end up.

Just a first post...

Well, I just started this blog and I figured I should write my first post. This blog is my personal means of venting life's up and downs. I have been told that it's hard to understand me and if I get any followers, it may bother them that they will have to piece together things or figure things out... Well, maybe not. Who knows how my blogger persona will come to grow. ;)  I have so many things on my mind to vent about right now that it is hard to figure which one to write about. I suppose it shall have to wait either way because I need to finish up dinner.